I was searching on my old laptop–I got a new laptop at the beginning of this semester–and I viewed all of the files, searching for an old essay I could use for one of my assignments. I couldn’t find it, though I swear it was in my memory somewhere that I’ve done it.
Instead, I came face-to-face with the many folders and hundreds of files on that computer. It was so odd. The files represent many moments once lived, the countless amounts of effort and hard work I put into making it to this point, to becoming the human being I now write as to you.
I felt that many of those files–the ones where i put so much hard work into them, such as essays–were a waste, as if they didn’t mean anything. I went through hell and back to write many of those papers. It reminded me of the tough times I went through during my college career. I saw the essays I’ve written and edited for other girls, old flames.
Seeing how useless many of those files are–it at least seems that way, perhaps they aren’t–only confirms how burnt out I am with school, how useless and futile some of the things I do seem to be.
I was their passive, obedient student and did as was told. I’ve had few great college experiences there, and the experiences i wanted compared to the ones i got are seemingly non-existent.
So much work, even in maths like Algebra and Statistics, where i probably couldn’t recall most of that information–same with my teaching classes, and other classes.
What do I have to show that I am here? The work I put in. The degree I will obtain at the end of this semester.
After this, I will take life into my own hands. I will shape the life I want, no matter how long that takes. I see a long road ahead of me, full of hard–but fulfilling–work, to develop myself as the best human being I can be for myself and society.
And all of this reflection made me realize, that sometimes other people don’t respect other people’s journeys, current or past, based on their interactions.
School has drained my soul. I’ve been burnt out. I can easily see why some students could no longer do it. Maybe they chose the wrong environment or college for them, who knows. But I am almost done. I am close. Just a bit more pushing. Sometimes in the past, I felt as if I was pushing a gigantic boulder, or against an invisible wall, times where I carried myself–when I was empty, but continued on–past all of the obstacles in my way.
I need to re-focus like I have been. I’ve allowed college to make me go crazy at times. Insane. Buzzing in the head.
If it weren’t for writing and video-making (check out my YouTube channels if you’d like [Scrima Games: http://www.youtube.com/user/KevinScrimaGamez?sub_confirmation=1 and Scrima Talks: http://www.youtube.com/user/KevinScrimaTalks?sub_confirmation=1 ] ) I would have gone insane long ago.
After writing this, I am enjoying each second of earned relaxation that I have at this moment. And then I will enjoy sleep.
The identity I am heading toward is the one I want. There were times when I lost myself in college. You really couldn’t blame anyone, because it’s an easy thing to do, despite how grounded you are in values. Then some new experiences happen, and you realizes what you thought you wanted was not what you wanted. Then you learn there are other things you want.
I write this, instead of doing my homework. And rightly so. I’ve just written three summaries of three different stories for a few classes I missed. Those sucked. I learned from them–one had an insight about cycles of sheets in a hospital, how each patient shares one sheet as it is dirtied and cleaned–then I forgot the other story completely, and had to pull the file up to even remember it. Perhaps college has shot my memory, ironically.
One more week and it’s Spring Break. So, some break is ahead, and that’ll be nice.
Be focused, and don’t lose sight of the journey ahead, of what you are walking–if not running–toward, and take the correct paths, or choose wisely. Then build, brick-by-brick, the life you want. Step by step, action by action, choice by choice.
I can’t help but look back in the past and think, “Poor Kevin.” He had been through a lot, suffered through a lot, had crappy experiences, but has still reached the person he wants to be.
No one said personal growth would be easy. No, when it’s hard, when it stretches you apart, like butter on bread, you know it’s being done right–but it also should feel refreshing afterward.
Here’s to another chapter in my life closing soon: College. And afterward, a better, brighter one beginning. But that’s adulthood. Who knows what that can entail. But I can’t help think that that is better, than these classes, and this homework.
I know i will succeed no matter what happens, no matter how much I am stretched, for I have been stretched before, and am now titanium from it.
All neediness is gone, and I can just enjoy myself.
God, I titled this a BRIEF review of one’s life journey. Eh, who knows, depending on one’s definition, it can be brief. This post only covers a short part of my life, anyway. So yes, it is brief.
Time to rest, before continuing onward.